How To: Donation Account Setup

How to setup your donation accounts;

1. Pick your bank. Any chain or credit union can do a beneficiary account.

2. Ask for the bank manager or new account manager. Tellers are unlikely to know what you're talking about and say "uuuuuuh" a lot. (I cheated here. I am involved with business banking at several large chains and picked up the phone and called my favorite branch manager when no one in my closest branch could help me).

3. You can either set up your donation account under your personal tax id (social) or you can go online to the IRS and set up a Tax ID/EIN. If your account will be used for your benefit, use your social. If you are going to be custodian of an account to benefit someone else, you probably want to set up and Employer Identification Number. The name EIN is misleading, employer simply refers to anymore than a single person from a business sense.

4. You can either choose to set up a temporary trust for guardianship of the account, or you can sign a statement promising that there is no scam, its not a ponzi scheme, and you promise that you aren't a serious d-bag. Provide copies of your documents (DL, SS, where the donations are coming from). Make your funding deposit, and in 3-7 days per bank policy, your account will be active.
Do not put donation funds into your personal accounts if you can avoid it. It can be regarded as income by the IRS and you'd have quite a time unraveling your personal income streams from your donations revenue. Even though you can verify the donation funds, you'd still be responsible for proving it. Depending on the dollar amount of your donations, you might receive tax documentation. A 1099 with your social is much easier to prove when its attached to a completely separate account.

4. Transfer donation funds electronically. Don't use it as a checking account. When you need funds from your donations, the bank will make out a cashiers check for you. Don't intend to use this account for cash, small transactions, or anything other than direct payments out to the vendors providing adoption services (agency, home study, etc). Donations by check or cash can be made at any branch of the bank chain you chose.

Congratulations, now you've jumped another baby step hurdle in your adoption process. This information can be used for any donation account for any reason. Also, if you have donation funds left, you can roll it over into another account for another donation beneficiary. Any extra funds that we raise will be donated directly to another family who needs financial assistance with the adoption process.

9/24/14

MYTH: Adoption Can't Be Fun.

The adoption process isn't limited to hard work. Some of the hurdles before bringing home your child are downright fun. Anna loves photography. Our house is filled with family photos and prints of shots she's taken over the years. Right now we are compiling our favorites and putting together our Parent Profile. This will be a Shutterfly photo book filled with family photos, pictures of our home, notes about our lives, and even details about our pets. We need to create a practical resume of our family and backgrounds. It's a bit like a high school year book project, but instead of a letter grade, we might catch lightning! If you were adopting, what would you share? What information would you make sure that you included for your perspective birth family?

When Trolls Crawl Out From Under Their Bridges

The unfortunate thing about the internet is the crazy people. There will always be haters, liars, and trolls. There will be anonymous people who are the best of humanity and want to help you. Then there are people who do their worst to take advantage of vulnerable hearts. Birth Mom #3 was more than likely a scammer and a troll. We were prepared for this possibility and knew that its an unfortunate reality than many adopting families face. In any adoption situation everyone needs to fall in love. When you start to interact with someone and red flags start to pop, trust your instincts. If you find yourself in this situation, do you know what to do? Just like with any major life decision, you must make choices with your brain instead of your heart. The steps to protect yourself in the adoption process are very simple.

What To Do If You Get Trolled By A Scammer

1. Never give away any information that isn't a matter of public record. When you meet the right birth mom you will naturally want to talk, but don't give away any private details. Speaking on your emotions is fine, but never give away major information about your finances, personal habits, or frequently visited places in your neighborhood.

2. Do not give a birth mom any money directly unless it's already been approved by your agency and/or attorney. Pretending to be interested in your family and waiting a few days to emotionally heighten the situation, then requesting immediate cash assistance because they need "help", is the most common route for a scammer/fake birth mom to take.

3. Advise your attorney or social worker when a birth mom has contacted you, and let them know if you feel the slightest twinge of doubt or like something is "wrong" in the situation.Take notes on the story you are being told. There are adoption anti-scam groups for adopting families where you can divulge the details of the scam that was tried on you.

4. Do not ever believe the existence of a child before it has been proven. You can be hopeful and you can be optimistic, but in adoption a child in not yours until it's in your arms and the adoption has been finalized.

5. If you have any identifying or contact information for the scammer, file a police report and report the phone number and scam to the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3).

Guard those hearts, trust your gut, and your shooting stars will find you.

-A.

Third Birth Mom contacts us

Today is turning out to be a really interesting day. We have had two birth moms contact us previously, only once each, and we didn't hear from them again. That doesn't mean they've discounted us, it simply means they haven't made a decision. The first two birth moms were both in the second trimester. Most adoptions do not solidify until the last few weeks of pregnancy because birth mom has time to consider all her options. She can choose to parent. She can choose other adoptive parents. She can choose to give custody to an agency to place her child for her. At the very end she is likely confident of her choice, and birth mom can make a strong decision. The birth mom that contacted us today gave birth last week. She had chosen parents for her child months ago, and it didn't go as planned. I can't, and won't, give details of her journey, but it's not fair and its not filled with love.

Our McCann Family Adoption Journey has just started to hit the emotional risk portion of the adventure. I need to make sure we're all strapped in tight. Adoption should be supportive and genuine. Everyone that is involved in the equation should be comfortable, happy, and sure of their choices. This is the part where I ask you to support people you know going through adoption. More often than not the average family prepares for a pregnancy for about 7 months. An adoptive family using a private agency will wait an average of 18-36 months from their date of inquiry for their child come home to them. An adoptive family using a public agency will wait an average of 3-6 years, however this varies widely based on preferences and metro area. A birth mom independently choosing an adoptive family can take anywhere from a few days to many years. 7 months of planning would be wonderful, but that's not in our stars. We will just jump when it's time to jump. Please be gentle to the people who are waiting, and the birth moms who need help while they figure it out. Neither of them knows how long it will take to find the right people. My sister in law, "T", told me that in her family they like to say that family is a nice soft place to land. I have not forgotten it, because it's how it should be. Make your friends your family, and love them when they need it. 

Is it today? Maybe.

-A.

9/19/14

Adoption Orientation Class at Catholic Charities starts in a few hours. I'm excited. We are getting ourselves ready to jump when a birth Mom says go. Even though we are trying to find a birth mother match outside of an agency, and adoption agency must be involved in all adoptions in Nevada. They facilitate the home studies and background checks prior to placement and complete once a month wellness checks while you wait for your adoption finalization. They make sure all the contracts are in line, that your court filings are timely, and that you are caring for the child's best interests. The down side is that they charge fees for this, however the fees are hugely reduced when birth Mom match is independent. I will share every inch of this journey with you, including how much it ends up costing us from start to finish. 

After orientation I have a meeting with the social worker who has the most experience with accepting private independent placement. We will have a chat about getting our ducks in a row to ensure that we are able to accept placement when the opportunity comes to us. There are specific rules and they offer differ from state to state. I also need some questions clarified to make sure that I have my information correct;

TO CONFIRM

1. Adoption plans can be put into place at any stage in pregnancy. Once a birth mom gives us a definite yes, we can put it on paper. Once we put it on paper, it enables us to do things like make sure the baby is covered under our health insurance at birth, as well as legally declares that we will be responsible for all costs associate with the child and delivery. Assistance plans and helping birth Mom get back on her feet are often covered. It says a lot of other stuff too, but us voluntarily declaring responsibility is the only part we're concerned about. 

2. In Nevada, our adoption home study application must be in process prior to accepting a placement. In a typical agency match adoption, that process is about 6 months long because there is lots of wait time. In our situation, where we are actively marketing and trying to self match with a birth mother, the home study needs to be in process so we are ready to go. The home study process can be finished in as little as a month, however we are still required to take 6 weeks of parenting classes. We don't have to take the classes if a birth mother chooses us independently.

We have had great success with our fundraising. In two weeks we've raised $14,728.00, which is 60% of our goal. It is a surreal feeling to know that so many people think you are an excellent parent and wants you to raise more excellent little people. A local artist and I are trying to figure out how to put together an art sale fundraiser. Our reach on the internet is growing just a bit each day, and opportunities for cross promotion and marketing are coming in. I haven't yet figured out we'll finish this, but I have faith and confidence that we will raise exactly how much we need. We've had large donations, tiny donations, and everything in the middle. From our heads to our toes, thank you for every McFrothy you didn't buy just to throw some extra nickels our way. We are thankful. We are grateful. We are loved.

Check back in this weekend, after we get some of our questions clarified, and have more information to share.

We're McCanns, not McCan'ts.

-A.

Why Does Adoption Make Everyone Uncomfortable?

Why does adoption make people uncomfortable?  Guest Blog for @AmericaAdopts 9/16/14

Hi Friends. I was excited when America Adopts extended the invitation to write a guest blog. I am passionate about adoption. I am looking forward to sharing my mind, heart, and ideas. I am adopted. I am a birth mother. I will complete the adoption triad as an adoptive mother. Thank you for the opportunity to show you another blogger’s perspective.

I am adopted. I’ve been having conversations about adoption for my entire life. Adopted children are natural ambassadors. We know what we experience, what we think, what we feel. We also know that people often have misconceptions about things they don’t understand. When I was young I was often asked about my “real” parents. I had other children ask me why my mom didn’t “want” me. I was told that my parents could never love me since I wasn’t “theirs”. Have you noticed all the quotation marks yet? Those statements were made in ignorance, and at every opportunity I have educated, promoted, and changed opinions one person at a time. My “real” parents are the people who put on my band-aids and changed my diapers. They taught me to ride a bike, made my lunches, and stayed up all night when I was sick. I was “wanted” more than anything. I was loved beyond reason or logic. No differently than a biological child. I was “theirs” from the moment I was born. The people who believe that love requires biology are the same people who don’t stop to bat an eyelash at social norms like blended families, step-parents, and half siblings. Families most often are chosen from love. For most families that comes about in simple biological creation. For some families, growing takes Dr.’s and test tubes. For others, growing in love means waiting for adoption.

I opened this questions up to my friends and family. I asked them why adoption makes people uncomfortable and what they have experienced themselves. Many friends told me that adoption doesn’t make them uncomfortable, but the situations surrounding it might. They are comfortable talking to an adult about being adopted. They are comfortable talking about a child who has been adopted. They get squeamish when it comes to discussing the process of adoption itself. Why do we feel the hard work part should be a secret? Because we don’t understand. People are trained to be unobtrusive about personal details. We’re taught it’s rude to ask questions. We’re taught to ignore anything outside of our comfort level. When you find out someone is going to adopt, does that mean there is a health problem? Does that mean they can’t have “real” children? Do you feel sorry for them? When most people don’t know what to do they simply do nothing.

Adoption rips open the shutters on comfort levels. It challenges ignorance and gives us a platform to educate, promote, and support. It makes people afraid to be confident or ask questions. It stops friends and family from bolstering their loved ones during the process. Adoption makes people afraid to get involved people it is outside their everyday comfort zone. Every family needs a village. We have chosen to publicly document our adoption journey in an effort to bring up the comfort level and heal some ignorance.

An average family has a pregnancy and 9 months later they bring home a child. You plan and prepare, purchasing supplies and being excited. Families who adopt have their entire lives analyzed. Their finances are checked. Their Dr.’s must make health statements. Their homes are examined. They have to take parenting classes and attend orientation meetings. Social workers counsel them to deem them worthy of raising a child, regardless of how many children are already in the home. Adopting parents have to have letters from their employers, prove their ability to provide health insurance, and complete background investigations. They must pay cash for home inspections and after placement they have to pay for social workers to come observe until adoption is finalized. Adoptive families jump through endless hoops for the dream of raising a child. These choices are made out of love, exactly as if your heart grew big from two little lines on a pregnancy test. When adopting, the right heart must find you. The birth mother must be confident. She must know that her child is your child. She has to feel the electricity and realness of it crackle in her bones. Adoptive parents don’t know when their birth mother will find them and their child will come to them. They just keep their hearts and arms open wide to catch their shooting star.  

Adoption is a gift for many people. It’s a gift for the mothers and fathers to be. It’s a gift for the child. It’s a gift for the birth mother who wants the best out of a less than ideal situation. Adoption has been a cultural normalcy for all of human evolution. Children have been absorbed into non biological families since the very first parents died and left their child an orphan. I don’t know when the tides turned and adoption became a shameful secret. Being different became lamented and ignorance became voluntary. Celebrate gifts. Adoption is like oddly timed Christmas. It’s exciting and it’s very different for each person who experiences it. Remember, Kids, we’re all special snowflakes…just like everyone else.

Adopting families need your love. They need your kind words. They need your donations. Public adoption has long wait times and many heart breaks. It is the only option for most homes due to average financial status. The median cost of private adoption is $25,000-$35,000. Averting your eyes doesn’t make the number lessen, it simply means that family is left to pick up those costs entirely on their own. Second mortgages and personal loans are some of the common resolutions to pay for a process that is much closer to free for a biological family. Fundraising for adoption gets visceral reactions and negativity because it causes discomfort again. Why? They ask how could a family adopt if they can’t pay for it on their own? How could they ask for help for a huge household expense? I see it differently. They can pay for it themselves, they just shouldn’t have to. Can you imagine being financially punished for a biological cause? Would you buy a gift for a baby shower? Would you help a friend purchase a crib? Be part of any village that is choosing to bring home a child. Ask them about their journey. Love them through the trials and celebrate the tribulations. Help them.

Adoption makes people uncomfortable because they don’t understand it. The way to become comfortable is to start conversations, be loud, and support families who grow in their hearts instead of their tummies. Educate yourselves, and talk to families that have completed the adoption process. Adoption doesn’t mean anyone is less or not “real”. In fact, it means they are being raised with love and intention by people who wanted them more than anything. Being uncomfortable does not celebrate the beauty of the adoption triad. Bolster the spirits of adopting families, cheerleaders are few and far between.

Adoption makes people uncomfortable because they choose silence. Choose to speak. Choose to be loud. Choose to love.

-A.

Guest Blog for America Adopts

I was invited to write a guest blog by @AmericaAdopts on Twitter. It is a large pro adoption forum for people on all legs of the adoption triad. My topic is why adoption makes people uncomfortable. I will post the link once it's live. I was very thankful to be asked to give my thoughts and share my heart. We are jumping up and down on the internet and starting to be noticed. Adoption takes a village, thank you for being part of our journey.

9/15/2014

Today, I woke up energized. I was alert, confident, and ready to tackle the world. My eyes sprang open and beckoned me to jump up and join the birds singing outside my door. I leapt out of my bed, tangled both legs beautifully in the covers, and came crashing down to my floor. At that moment I wondered why I couldn't fly. Then, I realized my dreams are vivid, I was still in my pajamas, and that I was not stuck in a Disney movie after all. Reason came back to me and I rolled over, grunted a few times, and drug myself into the land of the living (and off the floor). Maybe I didn't learn to fly today, that doesn't mean I won't learn tomorrow.

Now, the first thing that I do every morning is start checking my email. We're chained to our electronic leashes of tweets, status updates, and FML's. We have this little piece of magic that brings Dr. Google to our fingertips to solve any problem we have, real or perceived. This becomes more prominent when you are waiting on something important. Have you ever tracked an important package obsessively? Got excited about a new chapter from an author you love? Waited on a reply from someone you love? Well, when you are waiting to find your forever child you might as well be a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Every day until THE DAY, we wait, wondering when we'll hear important news that changes our lives forever.

We have a huge network of people cheering us on and trying to help us find our shooting stars. It makes my heart big to see donations and messages rolling in. I get goosebumps when someone shares their success stories or fear about adoption. Knowing that we are making a difference, educating, and promoting finishing families is a great way to start my day. I want to be someone who makes things happen. I strive to be the person that can be counted on to lead others and cut through the bull$hit and red tape. I want to know what has worked, failed, or brought people together. Today, email wasn't a great way to start my day. Today, email was a lesson in the hurry up and wait that every person who chooses adoption will go through. There were no emails. There were no cheerleaders. It was just us, starting another day.

Adoption pauses your life at undetermined moments that are our of your control. There is no schedule or listing. You aren't given notice. Sometimes your entire existence will just stop while you wait for the best phone call of your life. There is nothing you can do about it. Your entire life falls into an agencies definition of what needs to happen, and when. Those moments can rip your heart apart, or you can savor the quiet. You can roll the pause around in your mind and be thankful that even though you are so far away, you are closer than you were yesterday. Today is about learning to be patient. Today is about learning to be thankful for the road that leads our children home.

I choose happiness. I choose to be thankful. I choose to have faith. I choose to be still. Today, I wait.

-A.

Our Experiences With Special Needs

I love technology. I love that we are making our presence known on the internet and I love that we are crowd sourcing to find our child. We have become a quick, Google based world. It makes sense that we change with it. Word of mouth is our most valuable resource and every set of eyes that checks out our blog, facebook group, twitter page or fundraising page gets us one step closer to our birth mother finding us. Thank you for your support, and thank you for welcoming adopting families into the technology age.

Adoption agencies are starting to catch up as well. They understand that almost everyone works, life is busy, and the world is fast paced more often than not. We need attention to detail, ease of access, and a common platform with our team. Today we finished our pre-qualification paperwork for Catholic Charities through their online portal. It took us several hours to complete the application paperwork for the last agency. It took us about 30 minutes to finish the same amount of paperwork through the portal. Having access to the same documents as our adoption caseworkers makes me feel like we will all be on the same page. The portal enables us to have everything at our fingertips, 24 hours a day. It was easy and gave the illusion that the adoption process would be quick and painless. I know it was entirely psychological, but it worked. It instilled confidence, the things we're looking for most in our adoption agency.

We have adoption angels all over the country giving out our names to birth mothers who are looking for parents for their child. Birth mothers seems to be drawn to us documenting our journey, and that I am adopted and a birth mother. We've been asked what type of placements we are looking for, and what we are able to handle. The short answer is we would love to adopt an infant or sibling set, however we understand that maybe another child will find their way into our arms. We don't have specific parameters for what we're looking for. Our only requirement is that they be born after spring of 2011. Though we believe our family will grow through infant placement, our hearts might teach us that we are wrong. We have expressed we would also love sibling sets, multiples, and some special needs. We have experience with autism spectrum disorder, sensory processing disorder, and communication developmental delays. Our son 'Buffalo', is high functioning, however appears on the autism spectrum due to his language developmental delays and social emotional development delays. He is now 3, and has made huge strides in catching up with his peers. It is expected that he will grow and mature himself right out of the spectrum disorder diagnosis. He is a sweet, spirited boy, who requires some little extra consideration in daily life. Most children wouldn't notice a wet spot on their t-shirt, but it will stop our son in his tracks so he can go change his clothes. He can't handle tags in his clothing or seams on his socks. We go out of our way to make sure his body is happy and comfortable, so that he can be free to concentrate on growing that big brain. He's a quirky little dude full of energy, smiles, compassion, and love.

Many things about special needs are rarely noticed or understood by parents of children without special needs. More often than not strangers believe he is just difficult or label him a brat. They don't take the time to consider how frustrated they would be if they didn't have their words to use. We have been active in speech therapy for over a year and he has grown by leaps and bounds in 2014, surpassing most of his peers in development, and catching up in the areas that he needed a little boost. Buffalo has a few interesting traits like his dinosaurs have to line up just so, he is obsessed with eating apples, and he is timid in unfamiliar situations. These are all common for children labeled on the spectrum. Buffalo is incredibly affectionate, adores his cat, and is excited about this process. He asks us for a "weedle baby seester" almost every day and is an adoption advocate. He is also an advocate for other kids like him, who might just need a little more. We have an expansive sensory play room that is great for all kids, and we are also always expanding our educational toys. My focus in college was Child Development and I have been fascinated to watch him grow. I am more than a little bit of a nerd and whip out my old text books once in a while when something comes up. More often than not he will sit in my lap the entire time. Buffalo is incredibly smart and has a strong attachment to books. We take some with us wherever we go. He excels in preschool and is a natural leader. I can't wait until he gets to have a sibling or two.

Our little firecracker has graciously supplied us with 4 years of parenting a child who needs a little extra.  It has become part of our daily routine and we don't notice things like making sure there is an extra pair of shoes in the car, just in case. We are seasoned parents who are natural problems solvers. Buffalo has kept us on our toes and made us confident in our desire to expand our family. We are active and constantly play, go to the park, and have adventures. We are not daunted by loving extra, or more than 1 child. Our household is filled with listening to each others needs and parenting with intention. We make sure everyone has what they need to be happy and thrive. I am thankful that Buffalo was our first. He opened our eyes about the realistic expectations and demands of children. We can't wait to do it all over again!
 
We have stars in our eyes, and some children on our heart right now. Thank you for your happy thoughts while we continue our adoption journey.

"I am not an adventurer by choice, but by fate" -  Vincent Van Gogh

9/13/14

In 10 days, we have raised $9,504 and achieved 39% of our goal. Thank you for sharing, liking, commenting and spreading our story on Facebook, Twitter, and the blogosphere. Word of mouth is our most valuable resource and we can't do it without you. We appreciate our friends and family being so generous in emotionally supporting families going through adoption. Thank you for helping us find our shooting star!

Adoption Fundraising Page

9/11/2014

Yesterday my brother would have turned 41. David always thought he'd be an only child and loved me from the moment I came home. He was 6 and he spent the rest of his life thankful that I was his sister. Even though his life was governed by addiction, he had a golden heart. David would help you. He would give you the shirt off his back. He was never too busy for someone who needed him. Addiction breaks families because you hurt everyone around you while you take yourself down. He hurt me. He hurt my Mom. He hurt my Dad. He hurt himself. He couldn't stop. Even though 20 years of drug use eventually ended his life, he was a great person when he was sober.  I didn't talk to him much for a long time. I thought I was protecting myself. Now, I deeply wish I'd held my hand out longer and more insistently. He would have loved knowing that his birthday is the same day we found out that our family might be completed. I did not have the maturity to understand his problems. Now that I do, I don't have regrets, just unfulfilled wishes about what I could have done. Hindsight is an amazing thing. He has been gone for 5 years this November and I have no doubt that he is watching us, trying to help his baby sister chase her dreams.

Today I went back to the endocrinologist to keep testing and tying up loose ends before my hysterectomy. I am being poked and prodded for everything, yet no one has a clue why my body simply will not function. Tomorrow I will have a dozen vials of blood taken to run 27 tests on my hormones. It's unlikely to be figured out. It's still possible that we will be able to freeze eggs. I don't know if that will turn into anything. I don't know if adoption will fail us and we need to save and try surrogacy. I can't stand the heartache of another miscarriage from my body or from another holding my child in their belly and heart. It has been a year and a few days since the last one and my heart only stopped being heavy recently. I can't do anything about what we've been through. What I can do is refuse to let it hold me down.
 
Every set of eyes that reads our story gets us one person closer to finding our shooting star. Please comment, share, and help finish a family forever.

-A.

A Birth Mother Reaches Out

 

Don't get excited. Don't get excited. Don't get excited. I mean it, don't get excited, yet.

An adoption angel reached out to me today. There is a birth mother checking us out. I don't have any idea how far this will go. It might fizzle immediately, it might go awry along the way...but it also might finish our family, forever. Just knowing someone thinks we are great gives me goose bumps and makes me want to cry and vomit at the same time. Is this it? I don't have any idea, but I have hope in my soul and stars in my eyes.
 

We know the risk and to be cautious. We really do. I was adopted. I know exactly what that side looks like. I never had any baggage about it. My Mom has been frank and I know what she went through emotionally, in detail. I was a birth mother and I know exactly what that woman feels like.

She is scared. She is burdened. She is overwhelmed. Her heart is heavy, but she thinks...maybe...this could be the right thing. I knew from the moment I heard their names who the parents of my daughter would be. Then I got in my car and drove hundreds of miles to meet them in Southern California. She was theirs, always, and I knew it. This birth Mom will need to find the people who are meant to have her child. She will have to be sure and know. If that isn't us. Well. I will cry and it will hurt. I will ache and be mad at god all over again. And then I will keep looking. Our stars are out there, and they are going to find us.

 
This is the heartbreak part. Remember when I said this would be real? Remember when I said this would be honest? Remember when I said you might watch us fly or fall? Gentle hands to catch us if we need it friends, please. Our hearts and arms are open wide.

9/10/2014

I had a bit of a shock. I assumed someone would be supportive, and they don't approve of what we are doing at all. I knew from the moment we began our journey that there would be haters, naysayers, and trolls. I made a mistake assuming that the negativity would come from people we didn't know. Our life will not be approved by everyone. Our intentions will not be approved by everyone. Luckily, I don't think I've ever wasted a moment waiting on approval. Insecure people wonder what others think and let it influence them. Confident people raise an eyebrow, put our boots on, and keep on truckin'.

I have friends and family all over the world who are helping us with our search. They are keeping us in their thoughts, researching possibilities for us, and giving us suggestions and support. The people who support our family are the ones who are always there. The ones I can call for anything, will listen to me cry over anything, and help us hit the ground running when our heartaches are soothed. We need those people. We need every person who wants to help us. We need thousands of sets of eyes to know our story. We need the entire world to know the process, hoop jumping, and huge expense involved in adopting a child in the United States. We will educate, smash ignorance to pieces, and answer any questions that come up for those riding along with us.

We've been told that the most important part of adoption is having a team you feel confidence in. People who work in adoption who want you to have a child will help make it happen. We spoke with several agencies and chose the one that felt natural to us. We were told that our emails and phone calls would be answered within 24 hours. My two line emails from last week have gone unanswered. The voice mail that I left on Monday morning has gone without reply. I am thankful that this agency showed their true colors before we gave them any funds or signed any contracts. We are still researching agencies in town. Luckily the hoops we are jumping are universal and this will not cause us any hindrance or delay. We will simply have all information ready for a different agency than we expected.

Yesterday my friend Katy sent me an idea. She sent me a link to the local Catholic Charities Facebook page. We had contacted Catholic Charities in Los Angeles several years ago, before our son was born, and their wait times and fees were on par with any other private agency. We automatically discounted them when starting our search in Las Vegas. I almost didn't check it out. I was so sure it would be the same. Then I looked, then I read, then I was thankful for my friend and her great ideas. Here, they estimate themselves at 20% less than the local agency standard. I sent them an email with links to our pages. We received a phone call within minutes of our inquiry. She had read our story, and said they want to help. A welcome packet was in our inbox 5 minutes later. Did we find our team? Will this be it? Is this the new correct first step? I don't know, but I'll take any extra happy thought or prayers you have on the matter.

Each night I look at the sky. I sit on the porch in the dark and revel in no roof over my head. I take in the brilliant stars and the black mystery of the cosmos, and each night I wonder how many stars will be born before ours.

We're McCann's, not McCant's.
-A.

Bloggity Blog Blog Blog

September 9, 2014

Bust out the champagne, it's time to smack this boat with some bubbly. All right, perhaps not. I'm not a champagne fan anyway. I am a fan of families of all kinds, all shapes, and all sizes. I love to make human connections, have real conversations, and I want to change the world. 

I have no idea what I'm doing. Let's get that right out on the table. I have never had a blog (does LiveJournal count?), and I will have some hitches and failures along the way I am sure. I appreciate your kindness, support, and interest in our story. It should not be this difficult to adopt, and we are going to be LOUD to try to change adoption for every family that has open hearts and arms. 

It's hard to pinpoint where I should begin. Do I tell you about life before marriage? What about the most boring and mundane details of our lives? I love my bath tub but do you need to know about it? Probably not, but what if....what if that little piece of real life is the connection that will reel them in. Do I tell you about 20 years of endocrine issues that have made my life difficult? Do I talk candidly about the miscarriages? Do I WANT to talk candidly about them? How do I deduce what the people will want to read? How do I create the magic formula that will end with our dreams being fulfilled? I don't know, we'll figure it out....failure is never an long term option for this girl. Failure is just a mistake to conquer and build on the back of.

I am adopted. My brother was also adopted. I have known I was adopted for as long as I could remember. Adopted never meant less to anyone I knew. It was just a label people throw out to categorize and compartmentalize the things we don't always understand. I am truly and deeply thankful that my birth mother chose to give me life. I am even more thankful that she found my parents. I was always theirs, even before I existed.

I was a Birth Mother. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. I felt that child grow and move inside me. I had never felt love or connection of that kind. How the hell was I going to make sure she came out on top? I knew that my only job was to make sure that she was going to have a good life. I would sing to her inside me and sway back and forth, loving that baby girl and trying to plan how to make our lives possible for us. Late nights being scared and an abusive boyfriend made my decisions for me. When I was 7 months pregnant I started trying to find her parents. For me, for us, it was the best and only way I could guarantee a decent shot at a life filled with more than food stamps and a bad home town. We would have been living in a trailer in a perpetual bad situation. I knew that loving that child was the only contribution I could make to her life. I hatched a plan and I made it happen, just like always. I have loved her every single day of her life, but it's a task that has been done from afar. The pictures were frequent for a long time and then they began to slow. I do not know her life. I am not her Mother. I am the Other, the one who gave, and the one who would do it all again. Her story is not mine to tell. She is not mine. She is a secret thing kept in the shadow of my heart that doesn't have words.

I will be an Adoptive Mother. There is a thing called the adoption triad. It's Birth Mother, Adoptive Parent, and Adoptee. It is weird to find myself here, trying to finish the triad. We will take wild swings, we will pursue shots in the dark, and we will finish our family because of someone else's deep love for our child.

I don't know what path this will take, or how long it will take us to get there, but we will take every swing until we catch our falling star.

-A.