Why Does Adoption Make Everyone Uncomfortable?

Why does adoption make people uncomfortable?  Guest Blog for @AmericaAdopts 9/16/14

Hi Friends. I was excited when America Adopts extended the invitation to write a guest blog. I am passionate about adoption. I am looking forward to sharing my mind, heart, and ideas. I am adopted. I am a birth mother. I will complete the adoption triad as an adoptive mother. Thank you for the opportunity to show you another blogger’s perspective.

I am adopted. I’ve been having conversations about adoption for my entire life. Adopted children are natural ambassadors. We know what we experience, what we think, what we feel. We also know that people often have misconceptions about things they don’t understand. When I was young I was often asked about my “real” parents. I had other children ask me why my mom didn’t “want” me. I was told that my parents could never love me since I wasn’t “theirs”. Have you noticed all the quotation marks yet? Those statements were made in ignorance, and at every opportunity I have educated, promoted, and changed opinions one person at a time. My “real” parents are the people who put on my band-aids and changed my diapers. They taught me to ride a bike, made my lunches, and stayed up all night when I was sick. I was “wanted” more than anything. I was loved beyond reason or logic. No differently than a biological child. I was “theirs” from the moment I was born. The people who believe that love requires biology are the same people who don’t stop to bat an eyelash at social norms like blended families, step-parents, and half siblings. Families most often are chosen from love. For most families that comes about in simple biological creation. For some families, growing takes Dr.’s and test tubes. For others, growing in love means waiting for adoption.

I opened this questions up to my friends and family. I asked them why adoption makes people uncomfortable and what they have experienced themselves. Many friends told me that adoption doesn’t make them uncomfortable, but the situations surrounding it might. They are comfortable talking to an adult about being adopted. They are comfortable talking about a child who has been adopted. They get squeamish when it comes to discussing the process of adoption itself. Why do we feel the hard work part should be a secret? Because we don’t understand. People are trained to be unobtrusive about personal details. We’re taught it’s rude to ask questions. We’re taught to ignore anything outside of our comfort level. When you find out someone is going to adopt, does that mean there is a health problem? Does that mean they can’t have “real” children? Do you feel sorry for them? When most people don’t know what to do they simply do nothing.

Adoption rips open the shutters on comfort levels. It challenges ignorance and gives us a platform to educate, promote, and support. It makes people afraid to be confident or ask questions. It stops friends and family from bolstering their loved ones during the process. Adoption makes people afraid to get involved people it is outside their everyday comfort zone. Every family needs a village. We have chosen to publicly document our adoption journey in an effort to bring up the comfort level and heal some ignorance.

An average family has a pregnancy and 9 months later they bring home a child. You plan and prepare, purchasing supplies and being excited. Families who adopt have their entire lives analyzed. Their finances are checked. Their Dr.’s must make health statements. Their homes are examined. They have to take parenting classes and attend orientation meetings. Social workers counsel them to deem them worthy of raising a child, regardless of how many children are already in the home. Adopting parents have to have letters from their employers, prove their ability to provide health insurance, and complete background investigations. They must pay cash for home inspections and after placement they have to pay for social workers to come observe until adoption is finalized. Adoptive families jump through endless hoops for the dream of raising a child. These choices are made out of love, exactly as if your heart grew big from two little lines on a pregnancy test. When adopting, the right heart must find you. The birth mother must be confident. She must know that her child is your child. She has to feel the electricity and realness of it crackle in her bones. Adoptive parents don’t know when their birth mother will find them and their child will come to them. They just keep their hearts and arms open wide to catch their shooting star.  

Adoption is a gift for many people. It’s a gift for the mothers and fathers to be. It’s a gift for the child. It’s a gift for the birth mother who wants the best out of a less than ideal situation. Adoption has been a cultural normalcy for all of human evolution. Children have been absorbed into non biological families since the very first parents died and left their child an orphan. I don’t know when the tides turned and adoption became a shameful secret. Being different became lamented and ignorance became voluntary. Celebrate gifts. Adoption is like oddly timed Christmas. It’s exciting and it’s very different for each person who experiences it. Remember, Kids, we’re all special snowflakes…just like everyone else.

Adopting families need your love. They need your kind words. They need your donations. Public adoption has long wait times and many heart breaks. It is the only option for most homes due to average financial status. The median cost of private adoption is $25,000-$35,000. Averting your eyes doesn’t make the number lessen, it simply means that family is left to pick up those costs entirely on their own. Second mortgages and personal loans are some of the common resolutions to pay for a process that is much closer to free for a biological family. Fundraising for adoption gets visceral reactions and negativity because it causes discomfort again. Why? They ask how could a family adopt if they can’t pay for it on their own? How could they ask for help for a huge household expense? I see it differently. They can pay for it themselves, they just shouldn’t have to. Can you imagine being financially punished for a biological cause? Would you buy a gift for a baby shower? Would you help a friend purchase a crib? Be part of any village that is choosing to bring home a child. Ask them about their journey. Love them through the trials and celebrate the tribulations. Help them.

Adoption makes people uncomfortable because they don’t understand it. The way to become comfortable is to start conversations, be loud, and support families who grow in their hearts instead of their tummies. Educate yourselves, and talk to families that have completed the adoption process. Adoption doesn’t mean anyone is less or not “real”. In fact, it means they are being raised with love and intention by people who wanted them more than anything. Being uncomfortable does not celebrate the beauty of the adoption triad. Bolster the spirits of adopting families, cheerleaders are few and far between.

Adoption makes people uncomfortable because they choose silence. Choose to speak. Choose to be loud. Choose to love.

-A.